We have been married for over 37 years, so a lot of people ask how we do it. I give them the short version – love, respect, and separate bathrooms – but there is more.
We met in 1974. I was 18 and he was 16. If you believe in love at first sight, you will understand what happened next and why we got married so quickly. Otherwise, you’ll just say it was luck or stupidity – both are probably close to the truth. Anyway, we met young with no expectations for the future. I needed a date to the Rodeo dance – our mutual friend needed to borrow my car and an exchange was made. From our first date, we were inseparable and I knew the first time he kissed me that I was safe, protected, and home.
We were all googly eyed and in love at the beginning. Nothing could hurt us as long as we had each other, but the world is a cold place that throws obstacles in the way of googly eyed teenagers. Enough obstacles were thrown at us that anyone would have said it was totally alright if we just called it quits and grew up a little more. But that would have left our daughter with a broken family and our wonderful son never would have been born. So, with love in our hearts and stubbornness born from European ancestors, we tallied forth.
Each day turned into a week and each week turned into a month and before we knew it, we were celebrating a series of conquests which included two cancer diagnoses, one heart attack, 20 years in the Air Force, a truck accident that ended his business, and my inability to secure a job. Plus, two wonderful children and six incredible grandchildren were given to us.
So, here’s where I start the lecture – ready. In my humble opinion, forged from years of experience and observation – marriages break up because of boredom and the lack of energy to make it work. I can think of only two reasons any marriage should break up – abuse (physical, mental, sexual) or infidelity. “We grew apart” is just an excuse for “We stopped trying”. “He loves his hobbies more than he loves me”. Of course he does, but he does love you. “We just fell out of love” is poppycock.
Marriage is hard work – daily. And, like aging, it’s not for wimps. There have been times when I thought it just wasn’t worth it anymore and I had the lawyer on the phone. Times when we fought with each other so much that I felt it would be better if I just left. Times when I was so lonely, I literally wanted to die. Times when we look at each other and didn’t even have the strength to yell anymore.
So, here’s a little side note story to help illustrate my point. I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma when I was 40 years old. I was facing eight rounds of a very strong chemotherapy and there were no guarantees. We were devastated, but we knew I couldn’t do this by myself and no matter how difficult it was going to be, he would not leave my side. We went to a meeting at the American Cancer Society. A woman said her husband left her because he couldn’t stand it anymore. Her cancer was too much for him to bear. My husband was furious. When we left the meeting, he looked at me and said “How dare he? He couldn’t stand it? She’s the one with Cancer!” Then he held my hand and said, “That won’t happen. Ever.” He was there for every doctor’s appointment, every chemo treatment, every trip to the emergency room, every surgery, when my hair fell out, when I wanted to give up – he was there. It was hard for him, watching me suffer like that, but he never cried in front of me. And every year, we celebrate the anniversary of my diagnosis like it was a birthday.
Why does it work for us? Because we love each other more than all the bad, than all the obstacles – the good outweighs the bad. And it always will.
An acquaintance of mine wrote a story about asking his friends how to make his new marriage work. He said he went to a nursing home to give a speech and asked the question. One man gave him the answer in a short sentence that sums up why his marriage lasted – “Because I promised.”
In this day and age where a person’s word doesn’t mean much anymore, that promise should mean everything. It does for us. It binds us together to fight what each new day will bring and to enjoy what life has given us. It’s really that simple.
You summed it up very well. Hit all the right points, as you always do. I like it that you get to the heart of whatever you are writing about and even though I have not had the same experiences as you, you are able to vividly portray yours. Thanks for your effort. I appreciate it because it takes a lot of thought to be able to express yourself in such a personal way.
Thank you. Hugs.
If all things in marriage or life were easy, you would become bored over time. If you are bored, you have nothing to look forward to. Hardship offers you a challenge. In resolving the hardship you have better things to look forward to.
Ken, thank you for reading this and thank you for your comment. I totally agree and love you both.
Great thoughts. Sometimes I wonder about cliched sentiments such as “marriage is hard work” though. I mean, of course it is, but for someone like me who grew up in a somewhat loveless atmosphere as far as her parents’ marriage was concerned, hard work, to me, meant that you work at it regardless of if you love that person–even in the beginning.
I think that love is fostered in an atmosphere where both parties in a marriage have a common goal (like your marriage). It’s when one person wants love, and the other simply wants to stay together and not sacrifice anything for it, that I question your reasoning. Staying together because one spouse promised to love the other and visa versa is one thing; staying together because one or both parties promised to simply stay together is quite another. One, even with the amount of “work” put into it, offers fulfillment; the other, regardless of the amount of “work” put into it will always be empty. And sometimes, the work that you put into a marriage where both parties have a common goal, is a kind of work that doesn’t feel like work at all.
Great post!
I understand what you’re saying. My parents deeply loved each other, but they just couldn’t live together. Mom is dead now, but I believe my father will love her until the day he dies. But they didn’t work at the hard parts, they ignored them and fought for the sake of fighting thinking that would make it all better. May I also say, I don’t believe you should marry someone in the first place unless you are in love with them. I should have put that in – sorry.
Tracy,
Your sister in law was kind enough to e-mail this to me and I agree so much with many of your points. I also agree with a point made by both Michaelia and your rebuttal. My parents had a long wonderful 60 plus year marriage. They had struggles, some times were tough and and other times,very rewarding and fun. I have never known them to argue or fuss (and I understand all realtionships are not like that), There was a commitment from both of them in there mariage that made the marriage work, grow and mature. A marriage cannot grow or stay together when the abuses you spoke of take place or when the marriage becomes all about one person. Marraige is for two people who start as one and learn to grow together, stick together, mature together and commit together. with the common goal of being there own indiviual while at the same time becoming a union focused on each other always!
Robert
Every marriage is different, the reason you got married and the reasons you stay together. You have to love each other and you have to remember the promise, the committment, the goal. It seems simple, maybe too simplistic, but it all boils down to that.
Just a side note, I personally consider a person’s happiness to be very important and don’t advocate staying in a relationship that causes pain and suffering on any level – that is what I consider abuse (mental).
You share your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and perspective very well.
I don’t personally believe in love at first sight, altho I’ve seen lots of examples of lust at first sight, and sometimes those turned into a lasting and real love, with all the very normal ebb and flow, sometimes somewhat lopsided back & forth aspect of the roller coaster that IS Love. Part of the “work” of having successful long relationships is remembering that it’s not “happily ever after” like in fairy tales, or always “50/50 and fair” like we think partnerships should be. We sometimes blame the other person for our own unmet expectations rather than recognize the problem is not theirs, it’s ours. And after time has passed, we often forget basic manners like complimenting and appreciating the other person.
But, I think that mostly we need to remember, to use the roller coaster metaphor, after the unpredictable turns and scary dips, there are the thrilling highs. Thus the mantra “this too shall pass.” Applies to so many unpleasant dips in life…….
Yep, it’s a roller coaster all right. The biggest one at the park. But I do believe in love at first sight and I always will.